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General => The Colosseum => Topic started by: carlos on July 29, 2017, 06:45:59 AM

Title: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: carlos on July 29, 2017, 06:45:59 AM

 "Did you know about a band named "1023"? they never get any gigs. But when they changed their name to "The Terabytes" they sudenly have thousands of them" .....

Have a nice weekend  :t  :t  :t
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: hutch-- on July 29, 2017, 07:04:08 PM
 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: aw27 on July 30, 2017, 03:52:32 PM
It's crazy!

(http://www.atelierweb.com/a/croco.gif)
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: felipe on August 04, 2017, 12:30:58 PM
Humorist with tough audience

 8): So, what's the favorite kind of art of cows?

 :icon_eek:: ?

 8): Muuuuuuuuuuuuusic!!!!

 :icon_eek::  :icon_rolleyes:

 8): And what's the favorite food of dragons?

 :icon_eek:: ?

 8): Chilis! That's why they spit fire!

 :icon_eek::  :icon_confused:

 8): :greensml:


 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: caballero on August 04, 2017, 07:00:43 PM
In a mental hospital, a mad with a paper cone on his head and one hand on his chest, approaches another mad man and says:
Mad 1: I am the king because God has told me
Mad 2: you lie, coz I told you nothing
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: LiaoMi on August 04, 2017, 09:54:24 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiyWXQyAJ44
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: jj2007 on August 05, 2017, 12:14:27 AM
Cat vs croc: the normal end of such encounters is that the croc makes a very, very sharp, fast and surprising move :badgrin:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: hutch-- on August 05, 2017, 03:37:03 AM
Funny enough I have seen a Youtube video from South America where a big cat stalked a crocodile on a sandbank, ambushed it, killed it and dragged it off among other things through water. The croc would have been between 2 and 3 metres. The salt water crocs on the western side of the Pacific are much bigger and they can swim a long way in the sea but I have seen a battle on video between a big shark, either a bull shark or a white pointer, and a salt water croc where the shark eventually won but there was some serious biffo on the way.
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: carlos on August 08, 2017, 02:21:58 PM
It's monday nigth, instead of friday afternoon, but there is the geekest joke so far

When Einstein came to America, it whas hard for him to met ends, so in order to raise his income, got a job as a police in Priceton, one early nigth while he was on duty, on the outsquirts of the city, he saw a car going over 100 mph, he turned on the siren and the ligths, and the car pulled on the curb, on aproaching the car, Einstein saw that the driver was his friend Heisenberg.

"Werner, Werner, Werner, did you know how fast you where driving?" said Einstein
"As a mater of fact I do" said Heisenberg, "What I don't know is where I am" 

Have a nice week
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: aw27 on August 08, 2017, 08:51:59 PM
Ouch!

(http://www.atelierweb.com/a/bumbum.gif)
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: jj2007 on August 22, 2017, 06:21:14 PM
It sounds like a Friday afternoon joke, but it's real: Currently seven Australian politicians are in trouble because they are, unknowingly, citizens of another nation. Here is one who paid 25,000$ to get rid of his Iranian citizenship (https://twitter.com/samdastyari/status/887175742265597952) ;)
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: hutch-- on August 22, 2017, 07:08:40 PM
There is an ancient expression, "Those who live by the sword, die by the sword" and this lesson has just been learnt by Barnaby Joyce, the Leader of the National Party of Australia who attacked members of other political parties over their dual citizenship only to find out that he was a dual citizen as well. As the conservative government teeters on the brink of collapse if it loses even 1 member, one can but laugh at the irony of the situation.  :P
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: Raistlin on August 22, 2017, 07:12:13 PM
I stole these from someplace:

1) Today I changed my password to "incorrect". So now when I forget my password, my computer will remind me, by displaying "Your password is incorrect"

2) I labelled my hard drive as "Dat ass" - so now when I logon, my computer reminds me to "Backup Dat ass"

3) Wikipedia: I know everything!
    Google: I have everything!
    Facebook: I know everybody!
    Internet: Without me you are nothing!
    Electricity: Keep talking bitches
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: jj2007 on August 22, 2017, 10:56:11 PM
Today I changed my password to "incorrect". So now when I forget my password, my computer will remind me, by displaying "Your password is incorrect"

Lovely :t
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: carlos on August 27, 2017, 11:03:07 AM
This one is a true story

Several years ago,when I worked at a factory in my home town, the payroll lady keep asking me for new passwords, to log on the network (I whas sysop), since she keep forgeting them, for several months, I keep cranking clever paswords, for her, ony so she  keep forgeting, so one day I asked "what password do you want?" her  usual answer whas  "what you want", so I typed whatyouwant in her password field.

She never forget it again.
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: sinsi on August 27, 2017, 02:57:31 PM
Tried to change my password to "MyPenis" but was told it was too short...
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: caballero on August 27, 2017, 07:11:45 PM
Do you know that guy that bought a new boomerang but didn't know how to get rid of the old one? :bgrin:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: daydreamer2 on August 27, 2017, 09:59:15 PM
Einstein joke I heard about, but its a joke on Heisenbergs principle

but I think its true they brought Einstein to watch the first scifi movie and he laughed how ridicoulus it was "sound in space"
but I read another story about Einstein, it isnt funny, its about think different
A fan of Einstein meets Einstein on a trainstation, he says "then you memorized PI"?
Einstein says "No, I dont,I look it up, do not fill your head with lots of things, that makes thinking harder"

I dont know if the story is true,but I think its a good idea to be more dynamic, for example if you are an oldschool coder, its just harder to rethink for newer cpus,windows,direct3d, vs older cpus,MSDOS and original DOOM,wolfenstein3d

one day the Doctor said it would be good for the lunatics go out, so he trained them much before that so he could command them "Sit nuts,clap nuts etc" and he brought them to a baseball game
well it went well until a salesman came shouting "popcorn peee-nuts"
all the nuts turned around and pee'd

in the 90's a old man phoned support and said his "coffeecupholder" was broken on his computer (when CDROM drive was new)
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: anunitu on August 27, 2017, 10:35:48 PM
Tried to change my password to "MyPenis" but was told it was too short...

HaHaHa Hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.falls down on the floor,and screams,I have fallen and cant get up!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: felipe on August 28, 2017, 02:01:08 AM
in the 90's a old man phoned support and said his "coffeecupholder" was broken on his computer (when CDROM drive was new)

Do you know that guy that bought a new boomerang but didn't know how to get rid of the old one? :bgrin:


HAHAHAHA! I found those ones the funniest.  :icon_mrgreen:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: jj2007 on August 28, 2017, 02:49:00 AM
Since we are already at that level, here is one from Dave:
Quote
This guy walks into the pub with a bag over his shoulder. The bartender says, "Ok, what's in the bag?". The guy opens the bag and pulls out a toy piano, then reaches in again and pulls out a one-foot tall man who begins playing the piano. The bartender says, "That's pretty neat! Where'd you find him?". Again, the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a brass lamp. The bartender grabs the lamp and starts rubbing it. Soon, a genie appears and the bartender quickly tells him, "I want a million bucks!!!". Suddenly, the pub fills up with ducks. There are ducks on the billiard tables, ducks behind the bar, ducks in the bathrooms, ducks everywhere. The bartender tells the guy, "Hey, I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!". The guy replies, "You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?".
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: K_F on August 29, 2017, 05:20:45 AM
Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election: You can't always hear the bells.
 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: caballero on August 29, 2017, 05:25:38 PM
Peter is an excellent hunter, proudly holds trophies of his hunts in his great mansion, exposed to whoever want to admire them. Busts of the most diverse animals from all over the world, from fierce leopards to huge rhinoceroses, all ended up slaughtered by his clever rifle.

There is no hunter in the world like him. So he has bought a new precision rifle and plans to release it in one of the large forests near his house. A cottage is rented, he makes all the preparations that he usually does, like a ritual, and goes out to the forest to hunt. He soon finds the trail of a huge bear. Sagacoius like nobody, follows and stalks. He almost has it. He places the rifle looking through the telescopic sight, sure that the bear is close, slightly hunched forward to ensure the shot, as he likes.

Suddenly, the bear comes out from behind, with one blow snatches the rifle and another rips his clothes. No reaction time, it is placed back like a male bear would do with a female bear and makes him great sorrow from behind. AYYYY!, such is the pain. The bear quickly leaves.

After this, he should stay several weeks in the hospital due to the pain. But what hurts most is his pride. A vulgar brown bear had knocked him out. It's not possible. When he recovers angrily, he rents the cottage again, recovers his rifle, set up in a millimeter, greased by which a bullet fired without almost pressing. Excellent, he wears his new camouflage clothes and returns to the bear's track. Soon, he discovers his trail and chases after him like a cat. You already have it cornered, no doubt, this time will end with that despicable being. He is close, he senses, his muscles in tension, he places the rifle, looking through the telescopic sight, slightly hunched to secure the shot, the finger on the trigger ready to shoot when ... surprise appears the bear from behind, snatches The rifle, rips the garments, is placed behind as a male bear would do with a female bear... and makes him much sorrow.

Again, the brave hunter, after recovering in the hospital, decides to go all out to kill that pathetic bear. Again he has it in the spotlight and again the bear is placed behind him as only a male bear would do with a female bear ... and again sorrow and much pain. Oh! much pain!

What can I say? The scene repeats itself several times, the hunter ready to kill the bear, the bear approaches him from behind as a male bear would do with a female bear, snatch his rifle, rip his clothes, but this time brings him near the ear and says in his ear: "Between you and me, are you sure you are coming to the woods to hunt bears?"
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: nidud on August 30, 2017, 12:09:42 AM
Two men was up in the mountain hunting and on their way back one of them falls down a cliff and was badly injured. His friend, slightly upset, calls 911: "Me and my friend are up in the mountain and he just fall down a cliff. I think he's dead". The operator answer: "OK, calm down. The first thing we have to do is to make sure he's dead".

The phone then goes silent for a while and he hear a shoot:
"OK, now he's dead. What do we do now?".
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: hutch-- on August 30, 2017, 12:49:49 AM
This is the gist of an old Canadian joke, two guys, one American and one Canadian are hiking out in the wild when a bear starts to chase after them. The American guys says to the Canadian, "You cannot outrun a bear" and the reply was "but I can outrun you."  :P
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: daydreamer2 on August 30, 2017, 05:14:33 AM
Because this is colosseum, so doesnt that expect us to argument like "your joke isnt funny, my joke is funniest?" :)
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: felipe on August 30, 2017, 10:53:44 AM
One night in the sherwood forest passed a carriage of nobles full of gold. Suddenly, they were ambushed and someone stole all the gold. When the robber was away the nobles asked him: who are you?, the thief replied: I am Robin Hood, I rob the rich to give to the poor. Then the thief left all the gold, anonymously, in the forest, where very poor people lived.
The next day, the poor were astonished at the treasure and they became very happy, thinking it was a miracle. So they decided to have a big party in the evening. In the middle of the party, when they were all drunk, they were ambushed and someone stole all the gold they had. When the robber left, they asked him: who you are?, the thief replied: I am Robin Hood, I rob the rich to give to the poor.  :greensml:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: Raistlin on August 30, 2017, 03:09:23 PM
Some things are just too stupid to have been made up - reality is surely funny:

So Babes Wodumo, a wannabe singer-song writer and actor, lost her USB flash drive or possibly it got stolen.
The drive contains one of her new songs and she is demanding that the would-be thief, where ever they may be, to
provide her with a link to the drive - so she can personally delete the song.  :icon_rolleyes:

http://www.dailysun.co.za/News/Entertainment/mzansi-babes-needs-the-link-to-her-new-song-she-lost-the-usb-20170829
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: Siekmanski on August 30, 2017, 03:53:05 PM
It seems that celebrities ( actors & singers ) are the only smart people left, walking around on this earth.  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: Raistlin on August 30, 2017, 08:07:10 PM
This from a student explaining private and public key pairs - as used in PKI, symmetrical and asymmetrical cryptography. :eusa_dance:

"A private key is a key used in the private sector because it is more expensive, and a public key is used by general public because it is free."
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: felipe on August 31, 2017, 02:33:38 AM
This from a student explaining private and public key pairs - as used in PKI, symmetrical and asymmetrical cryptography. :eusa_dance:

"A private key is a key used in the private sector because it is more expensive, and a public key is used by general public because it is free."

 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: daydreamer2 on September 16, 2017, 08:29:35 PM
your computer doesnt work properly, suddenly a messagebox appear "error 30"
you cant find any information anywhere what that means, so you call support
-"it means the error is 30cm in front of screen"

there are 3 kinds of people, those who can Count and...
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: Siekmanski on September 16, 2017, 10:50:33 PM
there are 3 kinds of people, those who can Count and...

there are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

I will never use that phrase.  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: hutch-- on September 21, 2017, 12:34:08 AM
I have a theory on counting,

Eanie,
Meanie,
Minie,
Moe (without larry and curly.)
Catch your target by the toe.
Unless she squeals don't let here go.
Yo ho ho ho.  :eusa_naughty:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: nidud on September 21, 2017, 12:52:31 AM
Fucks sake Timmy

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DDzyoFzW0AE3ltR.jpg)

Captain Kidd (https://twitter.com/kidd_kong78/status/881846401633832960)
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: jj2007 on September 21, 2017, 01:52:09 AM
Ah, Timmy again...!
(http://img76.laughinggif.com/pic/HTTP3N0cmVhbTEuZ2lmc291cC5jb20vdmlldzMvNDgwMDUwNC9wZW5ndWluLXNsYXAtby5naWYlog.gif)
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: felipe on September 21, 2017, 01:54:36 AM
 :greensml: hilarious
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: daydreamer2 on September 25, 2017, 02:31:44 AM
here we had lots of jokes on norwegians are stupid and they had swedes are stupid jokes too
when 80s tvshow with Hulk Went: the hulk flopped in norway,because every nowegians saw a green man so they walked away
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: nidud on September 25, 2017, 03:03:52 AM
 :biggrin:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz0rGmc5u_c
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: caballero on September 28, 2017, 11:08:23 PM
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants - open presents, expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:30 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer
11:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:30 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice she has gained 17 pounds
1:15 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
7:00 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: caballero on September 28, 2017, 11:12:01 PM
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying sh!t while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by semi-naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
8:30 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas--nap en-route
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot displaying growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5.00 Fly home, massage, and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over, naturally).
6:45 Sh!t, Shower and Shave
7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy filet steak followed by ice-cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Havana cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies...some bending over)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 A night cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: Magnum on October 02, 2017, 12:46:16 AM
How to Call the Police

An elderly man from Michigan was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now,” and he hung up.

Within 5 minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillip’s residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I though you said that you shot them?”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: felipe on October 02, 2017, 04:26:03 AM
 :greenclp:
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: hutch-- on October 02, 2017, 10:18:20 AM
 :biggrin:

That's a good one Andy. Now the question is, did you survive OK after all the weather problems in the US south east ? We saw a lot of damage on the media coming from over your way with flooding and high winds.
Title: Re: Friday afternoon jokes
Post by: Magnum on October 02, 2017, 10:48:28 AM
Thanks for asking.

I did okay as I was on a 2nd story apartment. However many neighbors behind me in homes got flooded.

Friendswood, Texas was hit bad. I saw 7 out of 10 houses on one street flooded out. :-(

I heard that over 100K cars were flooded.

It is a sellers market for used cars. There are very few to be had.

My youngest daughter's house got hit by lightning doing around 10K in damage.

Their central AC was one of the  casualties. They are using window units.

There are long wait times for insurance pay offs.

I felt very blessed.